Trust in God.
He has a plan for everything.
If you have faith, He will move mountains.
Ask and you shall receive. – Luke 11:9.
I grew up in a strong Christian background. I was very involved in my small local church. In college I was active in a Catholic missionary organization. I took RCIA classes and was confirmed. My life was going so well, I had so much to be thankful for. Even in a few hard times I did experienced in college, I firmly believed that “God helped me through.”
When I was being raped, I was screaming and praying “God please help me! God please make him stop! God please!” That was the only thing I could do. Pray. I knew I couldn’t get out of the situation alone, if anyone could help me, God would. Or so I thought. That moment shook my faith to the core. I chronically questioned “Why didn’t he answer me? Why was he silent? Why did he allow this to happen to me? What happened to: ask and you shall receive? What happened to if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you will move mountains?” Upon asking my friend that is a priest, he said that it’s a hard question to answer, but to watch Father Mike Schmitz Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People. This sufficed my burning questions for a bit. He talks about how free will plays a lot into how there is so much pain in the world. God allows free choice, because if he didn’t we would be robots, and that isn’t love. That I can understand. That I can live with, God can ignore my pleas, and mess with my life because of the choices I’ve made, or someone’s choice to hurt me. I can live with that. What about infants born, only to die due to genetic disorder before their first birthday. What about children stricken with cancer, to only know a life that is painful and unfair. Who made the decision to do that. No one. That’s who. No one made a single choice to make their child born into chronic pain and suffering. Excuse my French, but, there is so much fucking pain and suffering in this world to the undeserving. Especially now a days. My innate moral code will not let me sit idly by doing nothing and supporting an ignoring god.
God can ignore my pleas all he wants if he is “protecting” my free will. I am not, however, okay with him ignoring the please of innocent children who’s situation is not a result of anyone’s choice. The accumulation of my experience and the horrors and suffering I’ve seen, has turned me into what I call a “Hopeful Agnostic.” While I try to remain hopeful that if he is real, he will come down and take all the suffering away. But I am a realist that also acknowledges that it probably will never happen. I am not writing this to make you question your faith or religion, I am writing this to show that being raped changes a person fundamentally. It shook me. It made me hyper vigilant of the pain and suffering around me. I was firm in my believe in god, before the rape. The rape made me change as a person and change my beliefs. It made me realize that if there was a God, he is either cruel or doesn’t care for his creations. Either way, that is not the god I would want to follow. Until he proves me wrong, I will remain a Hopeful Agnostic.