You Can’t Just Trust Anyone

“Maybe you just didn’t fight him off hard enough.”

The worst phrase to ever echo in my ear drums and endlessly repeat like an empty cavern. Second guessing my every decision leading up to that dreadful point, and reliving that moment over and over again.  My mind flashes back like a broken movie reel on repeat until it finally breaks and I am  stranded in a desert of frustration and pain without any air to breathe. Detective Millner, who was assigned to my sexual assault case, accused me of not being persistent. Accused me of the rape being my own fault. Blamed the victim. Blamed the survivor. Detective Millner, I should have been able to trust you.

You can’t just trust anyone.

My rapist was my boyfriend. Six foot seven inches of muscle and power towering over me. He was my first boyfriend to introduce to my parent, and that I openly shared with my friends and family. I invited him into my home out of compassion, and that decision will haunt me forever. I would catch him lying, deceiving, cheating and controlling me, but he had a way of explaining himself that made me think he wasn’t the guilty party. I felt like I was guilty for accusing him of such travesties. He manipulated me into trusting him.

You can’t just trust anyone.

He raped me in what seemed to be an “altered state.” He was a werewolf, it was a full moon, and I was his prey. Initially I didn’t want to call it rape. It felt like I was angry at a child for sleep walking. I contacted my best friend and sister and told them “he attacked me in his sleep.” I was met with the responses of “he needs to go to the doctor.” It wasn’t until the following days did I realize what he did, the impact it had on me, and that my safety was in grave danger. I told a classmate exactly what happened, and she allowed me to stay with her as long as I needed. She urged me to tell the truth to my best friend, sister and parents. It wasn’t until the truth was exposed was I met with support and love.

You can’t just trust anyone. You need to trust the right ones.

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