November 1st, 2016 circles my brain every day. I woke up to you caressing me, and it progressed rapidly. I slapped you, scratched you, screamed for help, prayed to an ignoring God for help, I shouted “No! Please stop! Stop! No!” But just like God, you ignored my pleas. You held my arms down. Choked me. Covered my mouth to mute the screams. Elbowed me in my face. I was physically exhausted from the night before physically fighting a knife away from you so you didn’t kill yourself. Emotionally drained from caring for your life, when you didn’t. Then you returned the favor by forcing yourself on top of me until I couldn’t move, talk, or do anything. Paralyzed from fear; “If I move I’ll make it worse” I told myself. At that moment you ruined my life. In that moment I would have quit school, quit work, move in with my parents, and wallow in the horror you inflicted in my life. I had no will to live. I had no will to accomplish anything.
You haunted my dreams. I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing you choking me. Punching me. Killing me. More nightmares about you than I can count tormented my mind every night. Any noises I heard while alone in my apartment I knew it was you coming for me. I didn’t feel safe in that hell-hole of a town. I couldn’t go in public anymore with out feeling like you were watching my every move waiting for opportune kill.
You lied to me every chance you got to help mold yourself into the person you manipulated me into wanting. You used me and my insistent need to help people. You stole my medications and sold them. You cheated on me. You lied about attending school. Lied about where you were that night you when you said you were with your cousin. You lied when you said your cousins hacked your bank account. You lied about that girl hacking your Facebook. Those lies you told me were just too damn convenient. You knew what you were doing the first time you saw me, and you knew what you were doing when you tried to contact me after the police got involved. I will not allow it.
You stole my innocence and my sanity. You stole my will to live and the air from my lungs that I needed to survive. You haunted my thoughts EVERY SINGLE DAY for 9 months. You gave me lies, deceit, manipulation, anxiety, depression, sleepless nights, nightmares, and fear. I found in myself the strength I’ve never seen before. The strength to live one more day in the apartment you broke the doors and bruised me in. The strength to sleep one more night in the bed you raped me in. I found in my self the strength to say, “the lowest part in my life will NOT define who I am today or tomorrow.” I will not allow a lying, manipulative, controlling rapist to decide my worth, to dictate that I am worthless, to make me live in fear, to make me unhappy, and dwell in the past. I am reclaiming my life from the hell you gave me.
I am officially moving away from this chapter in my life to a new city, state, job, and life. You are now and forever in my past. You did not help me get where I am at to day. I got where I am today because of a fight I found within myself that I didn’t know was there. And with that, I say goodbye. Goodbye to Huntsville, to the detective that ignored my pleas, to the apartment that reminded me everyday of your rape, to this life, and to you. Goodbye forever.
Hello a new beginning.